09 May A time when I had hope
I spent Friday afternoon setting on the wall out front of the apt building I lived in during my Jr. and High School days, I was there just last Tuesday after finding out my oldest female friend, Risa (Marisesa) Casey had died recently. I went up to my High School to look at the yearbook from my graduation year, and to my surprise was able to get one from the journalism dept. After that I went to my old apartment complex and walked around the old neighborhood, and thought about my Jr. and High school days. I was also remembering Kath Colby, a good friend who lived across the street who died in 2011 of cancer. I was missing them both very much, they were such a big part of my teen years.
I went back Friday because ever since I was there last Tuesday I have been obsessed with going back there, to just go there and set on the wall out front. And I figured out why, why I am so drawn to be there, why it feels so good to be there. When I lived there, the time of my Jr. and High School years, there was hope for me, hope for a future, hope for love and family, hope of a good future. I had a lot of really good, close friends, I had purpose, even though it was just be a student. I had a place to fit in and be part of, school, drama, my friends.
Where today I have no hope, no hope of love and family, no hope of a career, no hope of a future, do no have the close group of close friends to do life with me everyday like back then. No girls in my life to do life with. No place to fit in or be part of. No purpose, not part of anything, or hope for ether.
As I set there on the wall, and while walking around the neighborhood, past old friends houses, remembering our times together, thinking about Kathy and what an amazing girl she was, our times together. Risa, how great she was, what a good friend she was, the things we did. As well as other girls like, Polly Werner who was so amazing and so beautiful. Shelli, Debbie such great friends and Robin Airey who I dated, so beautiful. I wounded what could have happened if I would have done some things different, changed things about myself, known what I know now, I would have done 70% of everything different.
Ironically the movie Peggy Sue Got Married was on TV last weekend, never saw it before, it is about a girl who goes to her 25th High School reunion in 1985, passes out and wakes up in 1960 back at her High School, knowing everything. So she sets out to change things she did like marry her High School boyfriend, which ended up bad and a divorce.
I so wanted while sitting on that wall yesterday to close my eyes and open them up, and it be 1968, the first say I moved in with my mom and started Jr. High, but know what to do differently, but of course God did not do send me back to 1968, when I opened my eyes it was still 2015.
My school days were not all milk and honey by any stretch of the imagination, that bowl of cherries had an awful lot of pits in it, those were painful years in many ways. But what I had then, that I don’t have now, was HOPE, no matter what issues I was dealing with at the time, there was hope that things would change, get better, workout, a hope of love and family. I had purpose, I belong to something that I could be part of, contribute to, drama, school itself, friendships. Places to fit in and had very close, very good friends, and had girls that were very close to me, liked me, and did life with me, girls that were so amazing, that I was so lucky to be friends with. I had in my life then the material to make a life, for love and family. None of those do I have today, nor are they available to me, or even within reach.
Today I am one without Hope, without meaning or purpose. My life (not really the right word, I have no life) cannot be fixed, there is no hope of it being fixed, no hope of prayers being answered, not even God can fix my life now (and no one who is truly honest disagrees with me).
Love and family are impossible for even God to give me today, and that is the core of everything. Finding love, leading to marriage, having children, resulting in the first time in my life to have love and family. That then allowing me to become part of the body of Christ, the church. I would have both family, wife and children, and church family. Those two would then enable me to serve Christ both in church and Go into the world with the gospel. A new career, i.e. a great job with a salary high enough to make a life on. And a substantial number of other urgent, and necessary needs that will take tens of thousands of dollars. And all must happen right now, like this year.
But unfortunately unlike Peggy Sue, who did get married, I cannot go to sleep tonight and wake up in 1968, back to when I had hope. Starting over with the knowledge I have today, with Godly wisdom, knowing what to do differently just like Peggy Sue did. And with God changing just two things about me, maybe then Kathy, Polly, Robin or one of the other wonderful girls I knew then would have fallen in love with me.
I would do anything to be where I was them, a place of HOPE, hope of love and family, hope of a future, of a purpose. But sadly, the chances of the miracle of me waking up in 1968 and starting over happening are greater, than the miracles happening that it would take to fix my life today. And that leaves me with no hope today.
But most of all, the most need thing back then, would be having the love and favor of God, and God changing just two things about me, two things that would result in a different life, me being a different person today. I long for the time when there was hope, hope for me, for love. So guess I will have to settle for going back to the old neighborhood and remembering that time there was hope, when I had such truly amazing girls, so many great friends (especially such amazing girls) in my life. Thank you, Risa and Kathy, for all that you gave me, yourselves, your friendships.