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This is the woman I am looking for.

There are many things I could post about her, but it comes down to her pursuit of Jesus.

A woman who is firmly seated upon her identity in Christ. A woman who doesn’t need me to feel whole. A woman who abides in the joy of our heavenly Father because she’s aware that He sings & dances over her. A woman of the scriptures who is more concerned with intimately knowing her Creator than filling her head with knowledge. A woman who understands the Gospel is of first importance, not reformed vs Lutheran or arminianism vs calvinism or pre-trib vs post-trib. A woman with a heart burdened for the least of these, passionate for the poor, the naked, hungry and thirsty, who doesn’t mind getting down and dirty and loving them in tangible ways. A woman who can appreciate long biblical discussions over dinner. A woman who spends time with her Abba in the secret place, found on her face before God daily. Who is passionate in worship, who cannot contain her love for God sitting in a pew, she must dance and sing to God, shout out her own words of love to Him. A women with a heart for the body of Christ & a desire to serve it well.  & ultimately, a woman who sees no greater purpose in this life than to make much of Christ & Him crucified.


When a married man says, “I love my wife even though I Lust after every pretty girl that I see,” is lying to himself, what he’s really saying is his heart goes out to his poor wife while his flesh goes out to every pretty girl. The husband is essentially split in half: he’s not a whole person, he is not wholehearted towards either of them. He isn’t really loving either of them, that’s not love. And this is where Jesus was most clear about real love. There’s a maturity there that does not see in part but loves in full. It leaves the childish ways of playing with toys that you leave on the floor; while yelling at your parents demanding more toys still yet. He is the immature child that has a toy in hand but screams and throws a temper tantrum wanting the toy another child  has, he either appreciates or loves neither of them. Love sees sincerely, without hypocrisy, love seeks after the good of the other, it is single-minded.

Love cannot exist in a lie, saying you’re in love with one while desiring, lusting after another is a lie. Love is bound in truth, and in such it is fully alive.

In Greek there are five types of love, they are found in the bible. One being Eros (???? ér?s) is passionate love, physical or sensual desire and longing.  i.e. Lust. Another is Agape (???? agápe) which means “supreme love, an ‘unconditional love”  as in “I love you” i.e. In love with, the highest form of love.

I believe that too many men sadly and mistakenly marry someone for Eros, out of pure lust for them, not because they are In Love with them, and therefore they lust after others, because their heart is not in the marriage. They are not In Love with their mate, only in lust with them and lust is never faithful, it covets without end. So it will continually seek what it does not have, seeks fulfillment, it’s never satisfied. It wants only what it does not have. But no one who marries someone because they Agape them, are In love with them, will lust after another, they will not because the one has their whole heart. They are satisfied, fulfilled, their heart has what it wants.

I have married guys who lust after other women tell me I do not understand because I not married, which is nonsense. you don’t have to be  married to know that is wrong, not normal. And I have been in many long term relationships and I never once lusted after another woman while in a committed love (Agape) relationship. I was engaged once and I never even as much as noticed another girl. Why would I, I was in love (Agape) with her, she had my whole heart, she was the only girl I wanted, I was in love with her. She meets my every need, she lacked nothing that I wanted or needed in a woman. No other woman could have offered me anything, I was deeply in love with Joan, as the song by Art Garfunkel goes, “I Only Have Eyes For You”, and I did only had eyes for her. My eyes, my heart, my mind desired her alone and none other. That is at the heart of being In Love with someone, you only want  them. That’s how you know they are The One, The Only one you want to spend your life with, and so it was with Joan. I never, ever betrayed Joan even once, not even with my eyes.

So I am speaking from experience, I believe based on my life experience, as well as other married men whom I have known that were in love with their wives that it is imposable to truly be in love with one woman and lust after every skirt that walks by.

I will leave you with the lyrics to “I Only Have Eyes For You”

My love must be a kind of blind love.
I can’t see anyone but you.

Are the stars out tonight?
I don’t know if it’s cloudy or bright.
I only have eyes for you, dear.

The moon may be high,
But I can’t see a thing in the sky.
‘Cause I only have eyes for you.

I don’t know if we’re in a garden
Or on a crowded avenue.

You are here, so am I.
Maybe millions of people go by.
But they all disappear from view.
And I only have eyes for you.


Pastors you’ve got a choice: you can shepherded a church or run a country club. If you’re going to shepherded a church, you’d better offer Jesus and the gospel on Sunday. If you’re not, you’d better build a golf course, because you’re not going to get away with being a country club with no golf course.


After taking off almost 4 months from Blogging, I am back, well maybe. I took a break do to the turmoil my life was, still is in. As well as I have been re-thinking my whole social net working presence. Blogging as to should I keep on blogging, is so for what purpose. As well as Twitter and Facebook, if I should even keep them up as well.

After all does anyone really read my blog, or my Tweets and FB? does what I say really matter to anyone?

So I will be working through, both thinking and experimenting with by blog for the next few weeks to see if I will keep it up, end it, try something new. With my life (if you can call it that) in such turmoil this might be a bit of a challenge for me at this time, but what better time is there to reboot every aspect of yourself.

img_3321 Shortly after God showed me though the book ‘ Not A Fan ’ that I was not only right in my choice to be a follower of Christ and not be a fan of Jesus. But also showed me to stand on my view on church, what church is to be and what I look for in one and not to compromise on that.

Idleman pointed out in his book that most church in America today are set up to cater to Fans of Jesus and not for followers of Jesus. The thought that came into my head was “Fan Clubs”, that they are, places where fans come to be fans of Jesus. Places where you Never have to make the commitment to follow Jesus. The sermons are tailored for fans, not followers. The services are set up to accommodate fans not followers, for entertainment not worship, for membership in a club, not discipleship,  for inward focus not outward movement. They are set up for weekend Christians, a place where you come to admire at best Jesus for a hour or two, then go on with your life. They are not where you go to become equipped to follower Christ but to be encouraged as a fan.

So I am sticking to my pursuit of biblical church, a gathering of Followers of Christ. Standing by my favorite pastor Francis Chan and his same view of church, “give me what I see in the bible, noting less will do”.

So what do I seek in a church, just that can I open the book of Acts read chapters 1 and 2 and then look at the church and see the same thing? Can I read the bible and every description of church in it and visit a church and say that’s it. If not, its not for me, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

I will not be part of a church that is a Fan Club, for Fans of Jesus, I will only be part of a biblical church, one that mirrors what I read in scriptures. I am not about planting Fan Clubs, but rather Churches that are gatherings of Followers of Jesus.

I am not a Fan of Jesus therefore I am not looking to join or start a Fan Club. I am a Follower of Jesus therefore I am all about biblical Church, that is a gathering of Followers of Jesus Christ.

NotAFan2 Just when I was starting to doubt my life choices in my relationship and walk with God do to my life situation. Beginning to think I was wrong for choosing to live by scripture like “Seek first the kingdom of Heaven”  and “Do not worry about what your life, what you eat, nor about the body, what you will put on it…. Seek the kingdom of And and these things shall be added unto you.” Luke 12:22-31

Thinking I had made the mistake of choosing to spend my life seeking after God, ministry over the things of this world, over career, money and pleasures. Just when I was praying to God telling Him that apparently I was wrong in my life choice, that I should have spent my life pursing career, money and pleasures just like everyone else. That apparently everyone else is right, you spend you life making money, advancing your career, not seeking God, not doing ministry. Boom, He lead me to buy and read the book ‘Not A Fan’ by Kyle Idleman.

The main theme of the book is, When it comes to Jesus, are you a fan or a follower? Many claim to be followers of Jesus. They point to their church attendance, tithing, Christian language, etc., as proof. However, most would be surprised to find that when their lives are compared to Jesus’ own words defining a follower, they are really nothing more than enthusiastic admirers at best. Being a follower of Jesus is a 27/7 commitment that will interfere with your life. And define your life, who you are, what you do, hour by hour.

To sum up what God did with this book was show me I was right in my life choice, to put God first, and to live for Him and not for the things of this world. That all the others are the ones who are wrong, they are only mire fans of Jesus, not followers of Him.

I do not want to be a fan of Jesus, a distant admirer of Jesus, just some who confessed Christ, said some prayer years ago, attends a “church” and thinks that’s being a Christian, that that’s following Jesus.

I want to be a follower of Jesus, and according to Jesus own words of who is a true follower of Him.

There is a difference between a fan of Jesus and a follower of Jesus. Just read the bible and compare what it says to how you live your life? Does it look like Jesus’ life, do His words describing a follower of Him match your life? Look a Paul, does your life look like His?

The question for us is not do I have a successful career, big house, nice car, lots of money. But rather, does Jesus know me, Do I know Him, intimately? Am I following Him as He described following Him?

So all of those around me who live as fans of Jesus, I say No thanks, I choose to be a Follower of Jesus, on His terms and by His definition of a Follower of Jesus.

This is a powerful message that truly made me look at my life, a Very challenging message about the depth of our love for people, and had me asking myself am I loving as Christ loved me.  In this message Francis Chan talks about how we as the church are called to love, and to be that reflection of Christ, imitate His life .

The biggest challenge for was a story he told about a pastor that someone told him about saying that spending time with him was as close to spending the day with Jesus, following Jesus around. That put me on my knees. Asking myself, At the end of the day, would people ever think that spending a day with me is  like walking with Jesus, as close as they could get to walking with Him?

But does my life look anything like his? Can I say like Paul, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ?” Do I look like Jesus? Do I love like Jesus? Those are the questions I have for myself after this message.

I want to be like that man, that others would say, spending the day with Dennis is as close as you can get to seeing the life of Jesus in action.

God spoke to my in so many ways, this message fit right in with the book “Not A Fan” that I am reading and some other messages I have heard the last couple of weeks.

You can watch the message here.

Or Download mp3 here: Francis Chan, Think Hard, Stay Humble

I went to the book store Saturday and they had a book I have wanted to get on sell”Jesus + Nothing = Everything” by Tullian Tchividjian. Pastor Tchividjian is one of the pastors God has been using to speak to me. I hard his sermon series the book was based on, loved it, God has been giving me a deeper and wider understand of the gospel through Pastor Tullian.

The surprise of the day was there was another book on sell also, that caught my attention, called “ Not A Fan, by Kyle Idleman. I scanned through it and what I read caught my attention, I felt lead to  buy it to, but put it back. Well all night and Sunday I thought about the book, so I looked it up on the Web and found a host of reviews say how great it was, a must read. So I went back on Monday and bought it.

After reading just three chapters last night, I was blown a way, put on my knees, God was speaking to me with ever sentence it seemed. The writer is talking about things that have been on my heart. Answered questions I have been asking myself and God. God is using it to cut me to my sole, cannot wait to finish reading it. I can tell you for sure, this book is a must read for everyone who is, or thinks their Christian.

The book is about asking the question are you just a Fan of Jesus or are you a Follower of Jesus, the two are worlds apart. And Jesus does not want Fans, in fact He rejected people who just wanted to be fans,  He wants Followers only. And we must chose if we are going to just be a Fan, or a Follower of Jesus.

January 5th came and went, it turn out not to be D-Day for me, the end it all, the day I would be cast in the street. That has been delayed tell March 1st or maybe even later date. God is keeping me here tell then from something. Time will revel what His plan is, if any for me.


All I have ever wanted in life was to be loved, server God, to have value and meaning as a person.

My story: I never had love as a child, felt like I did anyway. Growing up in a divorced home, tossed back and forth between 3 homes.

My mom never really connected with me in a intimate parent child way, loving way. When I lived with her in my early childhood she was never really there. Often leaving me home alone while going out, even when I was under 5. When she was around and most of my memories where of her yelling at me, not really being close to me at all.

I also spent a lot of my first 6 years staying with a baby sitter, a Jewish woman of whom I spent more time in her house with her family than with my parents. My time with them was great, I enjoyed the time with them. That was really the closes as I came to a family when my parents where together as far as I can remember. Family dinners at their table, going to synagogue with them and playing with her daughters.

At 6 when I moved in with my dad and his new wife, I became a step child. My step mom was very good to me I have nothing but good memories of her. I was closer to her than I was my real mother, but still I was a step child. Even children can since the difference. I was introduced to others as “Howard son” when my half brother and half sis come along. There was a treatment difference. I was the step child. Never treaded bad, just difference.

My dad was not really there much it seems, working all the time, even though my dad was marred 5 times and had 7 children he was never really a family man. He and I seldom did anything together, other than him and I going to a movie together now and then.

At 12 I was tossed back to my mom because my dad and step mom where moving to Ca, and the decision was made with out me being included, that I would go back to my mom’s.

My dad moved to CA and after a couple of brief phone calls over a couple of months, I would not hear from my dad again for 6 years.

I felt rejected by my dad, abandoned.

While living with my mom, then remarried I once again became a step child. My mom worked at night, so I was alone every night after school. My step dad was not a nice guy, he treated me like a step son. Very harsh with me. He was a functioning alcoholic who had fits of rage. Thank God he was a traveling salesmen and was gone Monday threw Friday. So I was alone every night from age 12 through 18. To keep away from my step dad on weekend or when he was home on weekdays. I would ether stay out very late, tell he was in bed. Or stay over night at friends every weekend.

So I grew up with out love, with out having a family. Felling abandoned, unwanted, unloved, like I belonged no where and no body wanted me.

I never knew what it was like to be loved, be part of a family, have my own family that I was part of.

Then I thought I found love for the first time, oh so I thought, a girl who was the love of my life, that I loved more than I knew I could love someone. She was perfect in every way a woman could be. She said she was in love with me, and so we where engaged to be married. But then without warning just like so many times in my youth, she was gone, pack up and moved on. With out so much as a reason as to why, no discussion, I was not involved in her discussion. She decided to end the relationship, called me over the phone, told me it was over, and good by, end of discussion. She was not mad at or anger with me, just simply and calmly as canceling her cable service, she ended our relationship. I was not worth talking it over with, working out what every it was, and worse not wroth fight for, fighting to keep our relationship.

So just like when my mom left me at home alone, when my dad left me to move on, I was left behind, pushed aside for something else.

All I have ever wanted is to be loved, but that was asking too much it seems. I have had a live void of love, acceptance and family. Felling like I have no value to anyone, no meaning, that I do not matter to anyone.

And that has dominated my actions in life, my thinking. Caused me to live a life willed with depression and very bad decisions. Thank God I never married for the sake of getting married, married just anyone. I have sought out the real things, real love, pursued true love,  my own family, the right one.

I know from my life there is no substitution for the real thing, a real family, love, marriage, I have had the substitutes they don’t fill the void inside. Silence the screams for love and acceptance. They can’t fill the void inside.

I own up to my bad decisions in life that have lead to my end that I now face. So many bad decisions that I have made be cause of the brokenness inside of me, especially in the area of career/work.

I have struggled with a reason to live for over 20 years, a deep sense of meaningless, hopelessness, lovelessness. Every decision I have made in my life has been ether out of the quest for love, family, acceptance and meaning. Or the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness. So many sinful decisions to let my flesh take over and do sinful act trying to find meaning, acceptance, love, intimacy, and fulfillment. So many just to cover the pain inside, the emptiness with something, anything that felt good.

The end is here now it appears unless miracles grater than anyone has seen come through. The screaming pain inside, the vast emptiness will come to an end finally. If just one person would have loved me, so much pain, so much sin would have be avoided, so many bad decisions would not have been made. I would not have come to this end. If God would have just stepped in, intervened, told me I was loved, worthy, helped me, healed me.

I stand alone with no one to listen
I scream out no one hears
I cry no one cares
I’m alone.
This is my World
I keep asking Why am I here?


Also read: I’m Dying, My Life is Ending